There is a price for not asking

I read this in a book The Alladin factor by Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
A number of years back the University of Chicago received a million dollar grant from Mrs. Fields of the Marshall Fields Department Store fame and fortune. When the administration at Northwestern University read the headline in the newspaper, the people of Northwestern were shocked, How could this be?

Mrs. Fields lived in Evanston, Illinois.Northwestern was in Evanston, Illinois. She had been a supporter in the past. Why hadn’t she donated the money to Northwestern? Why had she given the money to the University of Chicago instead?

When the University officials called Mrs. Fields to discover why she had given the money to the University of Chicago rather than to them. She replied, “The people of the University of Chicago asked.”You didn’t.”

The answer is yes……. But you have to ask! This would apply even to asking God

There was a time when I wanted a transfer to Delhi as my iwfe's parents and siblings were residing there.I had sent feelers to the Director but had not mentioned my wish whenever I met him.The transfer did not happen.It was some years later when we were travelling alone,I mentioned that he had not acceded to my only request.He replied "How would I know you were interested to come to Delhi unless you had told me?It could have been easily arranged."

I replied "I had sent feelers to you through your staff officer"He said"Why go about indirectly?Your feelers never reached me.Always remember to ask directly."

There are many things which we are shy of asking friends or well wishers and sometimes we assume that they would know our wishes.It is always a good policy to ask directly and accept gracefully whatever the outcome.Children do ask the parents This applies equally well to our prayers to God.It is a good policy to be specific in our request than leaving it to God..That is why we have a sankalp in our Hindu prayers specifically mentioning the wish.Even Christian religion enjoins on devotees to ask with the maxim"“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

A friend is a gift you give yourself

One day, Turgenev, the Russian writer, met a beggar who asked him for alms. " I felt in all my pockets, " he says, " but there was nothing there. The beggar waited, and his outstretched hand twitched and trembled slightly. Embarrassed and confused, I seized his dirty hand and pressed it ‘Do not be angry with me , my brother,’ I said, ‘I have nothing with me’. The beggar raised his bloodshot eyes and smiled, ‘You called me brother.’ he said and that was indeed a gift.’ " -The best of bits and pieces.

Friendship is nothing more than being comfortable with people. It is good to be stimulating and interesting-people would want to be with you and get something from you and your friendship. It is always a good policy to attempt to heal every misunderstanding and try to drain off the grievances,By practicing to liking people until you start liking them genuinely, you retain more friends.This is difficult as some are not lovable But they too have some likeable qualities. Be interested in them, find out their interests,talk about them,remember their names and use them frequently. It is also good to praise by looking for something to praise and avoid criticicsm. Practice believing in people and show them you believe them.

Some may occasionally fail you but it doesn’t matter. In greater number of cases, your trust will kindle a corresponding trust in you. People generally live up to the opinion of others. Practice helping others without any expectations in return. There are many little ways to sustain friendships like being polite in conversations, punctual in appointments and a little consideration in everything. A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall. So with men, you can win them with words of honey.

How much to trust?

When a father asks his child who is standing on a book shelf to jump in his arms, it does unhesitatingly. It has a complete trust in his dad and a belief that he will come to no harm .That kind of trust is never possible in this cynical world where we believe that we are vulnerable when we trust someone. But without some trust can the world move on? Do we not walk on the road peacefully trusting that other vehicle users of road follow the rules ? Do we not send young children out to play believing no one will take them away? Can there be love and joy without some basic trust in human goodness?

When we go to a doctor and get some medicines prescribed, we trust his judgment implicitly and take the medicines. Likewise when we buy medicines from chemists, we believe that they are not duplicates or fakes. In our day to day transactions we trust people to a large extent as otherwise life would become unhappy. There may be disappointments on a few occasions no doubt but we should learn to live with it and not distrust everyone. Someone put it ‘You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.”

Trust is based on the belief that others have confidence in you and your ability and will not take unfair advantage of you. It is the ability to create relationships with others based on mutual respect and caring. Good friends never betray your trust.

Uncongenial atmosphere of hate or lack of love, divorced parents, emotional and physical abuse, broken relationship, death of close relative, chronic illness and low self esteem could all lead to lack of trust and suspicion.Getting over this is not easy without constant practice and motivation from others. I would put a strong faith in God as the first step. This belief that He would take care of your troubles would gradually reduce the mistrust and enable you to ‘let go’ the hurts and disappointments. Mingling and living with positive minded people would provide the healing environment.

Overcoming unwanted fears, developing self esteem in one’s capabilities and building trusting relationships after due care would be the way to go about to get over this malaise.

Eternal hope

Life without hope would be a painful nightmare. We all live on hopes and dreams that the future would bring for us the things that we cherish most .Every child has bundle of hopes on parents, God and Santa Claus. They believe in what they are told and build hopes. Every young student in schools/colleges is an aspirant for big degrees and good positions. They work for these with lot of hopes. Married people hope for children, businessman for profits, the old and infirm for good health.

Hope is eternal in the hearts of men.Without hope any life would be meaningless. Hope is the greatest motivator to endeavour towards success. Hope brings about a faith in the creator and God’s hand in all things. It gives a healing touch to the troubled minds and hearts.

It therefore behoves on all of us not to crush the legitimate hopes of people around us by insensitive comments and instead help them in whatever manner we can to realize their hopes. It is in the nature of things if one hope does not materialize another one takes over its place. Nothing in this world is hopeless.

Begin at the periphery

I read this story narrated by Sudhamahi Regunathan and wish to share for the great message it has.

The story is about Chanakya."Touring the countryside in disguise, he halted in a small village.An old woman offered him a meal.Chanakya was ravenous and so accepted the invitation.He was served steaming hot rice.Chanakya delved into the centre of the rice in his plate, which resulted in his burning his fingers..

"Oh dear!" exclaimed the old woman."You are indeed like our stupid minister Chanakya". Chanakya was taken aback.The old lady explained: "Never begin at the centre of the problem.Chanakya plans his attacks on the capital city and loses.He should begin at the periphery and slowly make towards the centre."

Chanakya had learnt a new technique for success.The beginning is always small and at the periphery.But it will unfailingly and eventually lead to the centre,one day

Treating all equally

I was in a wedding reception. It was crowded with a stream of invitees coming in and going out. For want of nothing else, I started observing the people who entered the hall. Some lingered at the entrance for a while till they noticed someone important known to them and then gravitated towards them. They dismissed other lesser guys who greeted them with an insouciant smile devoid of recognition. A few who could not find any one known face settled in a comfortable seat waiting for their turn to felicitate the young couple. There was always an effort by everyone to look for friends or relatives who were distinguished with better position or wealth than them in the jostling crowd. Why this craving to be seen in better company?

It was then I observed, whenever a well known or famous man or woman amongst the circle entered the hall , a pronounced tendency amongst the crowd to crane their necks with a view to watch the celebrity and if possible to catch their eyes. A few who were chatting with me left their seats abruptly and went near one film guy who was entering the hall with a fawning crowd around him. This set me thinking why people attach importance to the fame or position of others and show a desire to be seen with them or exchange a greeting with them. A corporate honcho or a former top level bureaucrat or a filmy person or a sports star invariably attracts a crowd like the treacle does with ants.

In offices one must have noticed the extra efforts made to catch the eye of a senior official in a group or the undue high deference shown while talking to boss. Seeking favour by servile flattery or cringing behavior is commonly seen and encouraged by bosses But such a subservient attitude or undivided attention or respect is not shown by the same people to someone who is in lower position. There is certain casualness and high airs shown in the conversation with the subordinate. There is a tendency to give undue importance to titles, designations or positions in society or wealth as if people beneath such distinguishing marks do not deserve the respect or attention. We owe nothing to the men in higher positions in office except doing our job well and on time. We do not need to be obsequious or sycophantic. We need to be uniform in our attitude to all irrespective of position or power

The reason for this ingratiating and often flattering disposition could be an expectation that some good may come at a later date or the satisfaction to be in the good books of people better placed. The true test of one’s character is seen from the way he treats people placed in lesser circumstances. The respect and attention given, the seriousness invested in the responses and the sincerity in the conversation with them distinguishes the noble from the upstarts..

Where my mom failed

My mom though she had many children, both daughters and sons, slogged in the kitchen all day long, did lot of household chores by herself. She never distributed the work amongst the children at least such of those that can easily be done by them. As a result she missed out spending her time on her favourite pastimes. Likewise I had a boss who would insist on seeing all the files never delegating to his junior or middle level officers. He was an overworked man and constantly struggling hard to keep the deadlines. The motivations though were different as in the case of mom due to her affection for her children and in the case of boss due to some mistrust and a feeling that he alone was infallible. In either case non-delegation was not a desirable trait.

Delegation is not a matter of choice. It is an obligation and a responsibility that you owe to yourself and to others who are along with you be they the family members or colleagues in the office. It is also necessary for the good of the company you work for. As the family or work place expands with lot of responsibilities, one cannot do all by himself/herself with finite hours in a day. Many people do not like to lose control. To be successful, one has to employ the strategy of delegation. This will give a sense of participation and belonging to all besides motivating people to learn more. Productivity improves in the office. Home looks cleaner and better maintained. Things happen on time and well. The leader or the mom gets more time to plan and organize themselves better and devote time and energy to more important areas that need their attention

In my home each sister thought someone would dry the clothes in the clotheline, someone would wash the dishes and someone would set the dinner table. My mom had not assigned specific jobs to each of my sisters. As a result none did. The hallmark of a good delegation is clarity of the task, assignment to specific persons, fixing the time within which to be done and keeping direct communication. This applies to home or office equally well.

Theodore Roosevelt says “The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.” Andrew Carnegie put it differently when he said that “No person will make a great business who wants to do it all himself or get all the credit.”I would say my mom would have been a happier and more relaxed person had she known what things she had to do personally and how to get the other things done by her children instead of doing them all by herself.