Moral measurement

When I was young, my mom used to make us kids stand against a wall, place a scale horizontally on our heads, mark in a pencil the height we measured and wrote the date and the initials. This was done generally in one of the rear side rooms where guests never entered. This exercise would be repeated two or three times a year and comparisons made. When the height did not show the desired improvement she used to give Incremin, a child’s health supplement that had a giraffe’s picture in the belief that it would increase our heights. She would insist on our playing with skipping ropes and swing from roman rings. It is a different matter whether these helped in our growing taller or not but gave her the satisfaction that she did her best to beat the genes of a one grandfather who was short.
It is again a moot point whether height is desirable over shortness. Did the Lilliputians suffer more than Brobdingnagians by virtue of their short height, I am not aware of. Many short men have attained preeminence that the heights alone did not confer on the tall men. .Chengis khan, Napoleon, Pablo Picasso, Lenin, Tom Cruise and our own Jawaharlal Nehru or Lalbahadur Sastri are a few short and famous men whom success did not elude.. Be that as it may short men often invite negative remarks, denied leading roles and not generally considered in certain professions like army, police.
I am digressing. The purpose of my article is not on this measurement. Why is it we tend to measure ourselves only on the heights but not our growth in some vital parameters like love, patience, calmness, compassion, contentment, loyalty, truth and values? Do we grow on these as we age or keep moving up and down or never grow at all in any or all of the parameters? Is there not a need for elders or mentors to measure us against such a wall of moral growth once a while? This exercise is one that we should take voluntarily and have health supplements to feed the mind as we do to the body like attending courses on personality development, Vipasana, meditation courses and even sat sanghs.The purpose is not to indulge in self criticism but to lift ourselves from the negative traits. There are some traits that have eternal value and cannot be allowed to be lost sight of. Just as we clean the garden of the weeds to allow the flower plants to grow and our homes of the clutter to retain only the good, we should undertake such a moral measurement for cleansing at regular intervals.

What brings happiness?

What is happiness? Can anyone define it? Does it mean different things to different people? Why are we after education, a degree in engineering or medicine, a good job, a charming and good wife, nice children, perfect health and many more? Because we believe that these would give us happiness. What all we do is ultimately for acquiring happiness. We will not do anything that brings unhappiness unless it is a means to final happiness. A garbage cleaner though does an unpleasant job hopes he will get happiness through the income he earns very much like the industrialist manufacturing goods for increasing the wealth of the company and through it the happiness. The objective is the same

What makes one happy need not necessarily make another happy. It varies. While fame and name makes someone happy, obscurity makes one spiritually inclined more satisfied. It means different things to different people. It is difficult to have a uniform definition of what makes one happy or have a device to measure happiness. Happiness is subjective, a state of mind and never the same at all times. A cup of hot coffee on a wintry day gives more happiness than the same cup on a hot and sultry day. Even on identical conditions the outcome may be different at different times.

Sometimes the choices that we make thinking it would bring happiness may not really fetch it. Like changing jobs with more income or shifting to a bigger home in a newer location or making new friends-these do not guarantee happiness and may even result in a desire to revert to old situations. Even making more money does not make one happy as money beyond a threshold point has diminishing returns. The comfort level that money can buy stops at some stage. But if you give away the wealth for bringing comfort to larger number of people, earning more gives happiness. It is really not the money that gives happiness but what we do with it. Likewise it is not the job we do that matters but how it makes others better and through it brings greater mental satisfaction. The bottom line for sustained happiness beyond the initial satisfaction is what we do for others for the larger good, even for our family, than what we do for ourselves.

We cannot also measure happiness. It is varying from time to time, individual to individual, place to place and so on. “Joy has nothing to do with material things, or with man's outward circumstance...A man living in the lap of luxury can be wretched, and a man in the depths of poverty can overflow with joy.” It is for each individual to identify what brings happiness to oneself without causing unhappiness to others and pursue the same. But one thing can be said with reasonable certainty. Happiness is contagious. If we mix with happy people, our mind also gets directed to ways of deriving happiness. Negative people bring misery. Happy people do better in their work, more welcome any where, more law abiding and are better members of family and society than the sulking ones. Happy people generally have worthy goals that make others happy.

Be slow in promise

I have always had the habit of making promises to get over piquant situations or to please the others at the current moment or pep up the conversations like “will call you in a day, will drop in at your place before weekend, will explore the net for the link you wanted or will have tea at your place tomorrow.” I will forget it is a promise made as far as the other person is concerned even though I was not certain of keeping them up when I made them. I had the intention of doing them if possible but was never a commitment. Still when I make such promises I do not indicate that it is merely a wish but allow it to be misconstrued as a promise.
My wife would ask me to post a letter to her mom in the postbox en route to my office saying it is urgent and I would promise that I would do. But I would forget when in the car talking on mobile to a colleague and realize my lapse only in the evening when she sees the letter in my shirt pocket. I would see the hurt in her eyes and promise to do that first thing in the morning. But she would not give the letter to me again. We are generally quick in making small promises but lack the determination to keep them. No doubt, they are no big contracts or deals entered into in formal written documents with legal consequences for failure. They may be casual in nature but nevertheless a promise. When we do not keep such promises they would lose trust in our words and not take us seriously when we make such statements. Our trustworthiness would have taken a dip in their estimation of us.
It is not always possible to keep promises made for a variety of extraneous reasons or circumstances beyond control. In many cases we tend to forget. But these failures to keep the words should be few and far between. The best course would be not to make any promise unless we are doubly sure of performing it. As Abe Lincoln put it “We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.” Be slow in making promises as you will tend to keep them better. The one spin off would be your relationships with others would become rich in quality and people would perceive you a man of word and not a politician on an election rostrum. Your children would unconsciously learn the virtue of keeping the word and action conform to each other.

Blame game

When I was a young chit, I used to stand by my sister in the kitchen and be talking to her while she cooked the dinner. When something got burnt or when she hurt her fingers, she would invariably give a knock on my head. When asked why she did so, she would reply that I was responsible for the over burnt food or her hurt. She would never accept that she was careless when cooking but preferred to blame me however remotely I was connected to the incident. This is a universal trait to look for reasons for one’s failure elsewhere than on oneself entrenched firmly on the belief that ’when in doubt, it must be someone else’s fault’

You must be witnessing often this mindset in our day to day lives. When I do not find my spectacles, I scream ‘who has touched my glasses and meddled with my things’ forgetting no one needs my glasses and that I alone had misplaced them. When our child fares poorly in the school, we blame the teachers that they do not teach properly or when we miss the bus by getting up late we find the blame on our wives for not making the breakfast ready on time. When boss pulls up for shoddy work, we conveniently put the blame on colleagues or other departments. When there is bomb blast in a crowded area or mass killing, our initial reaction is to blame the unknown terrorists or a neighboring country .When prices of food grains rise, erratic monsoons come to our rescue for taking the blame and if the inflation goes spiraling up we have the international oil price as an excuse. It is always someone else or some other country or some other source except us. They act as convenient pegs to hang all our problems. It is not only for failures that we accuse others but even for our moods like anger, unhappiness, dejection and frustration. We blame the stars or our past karma or fate, never conceding that we are what we are by our own actions and thoughts. People blame the vastu if things do not happen as expected. “It is no use to blame the looking glass if your face is awry”

Blaming others create a make believe situation and helps in deceiving ourselves.Whenever things do not go alright,the right course would be to turn the search light on us and find ways to improve our deficiencies. We should be more careful while cooking, get up early so as not to miss the bus, coach the kids if they fare poorly and look for local bad elements if there is violence. When you accept responsibility for the things, you get a different perspective and the power to set right things. So is with the rulers of the country to look for their deficiencies instead of finding scapegoats. “Not taking responsibility may be less demanding, less painful and mean less time spent in the unknown. It’s more comfortable. You can just take it easy and blame problems in your life on someone else. But there is always a price to pay. When you don’t take responsibility for your life you give away your personal power. Plus more…"

Life would be a great fun if we eschew victim mentality and learn to accept responsibility with self esteem for our own life and actions

Conscience-our compass for ethical journey

When I was a young I happened to travel in local bus with a neighbor and her son of seven years. The conductor asked her the boy’s age and she said five to avoid buying the ticket. The boy blurted out and said ‘Mummy, I am seven”. She pressed hard the boy’s shoulders down and said to conductor that he was only five. The boy kept quiet but learnt that it is alright to lie sometimes to save some money. The seeds of dishonesty were planted in the young mind unwittingly by his mom. Thereafter I am sure he would have replied with a hurry to the conductor that he was five. All of us have a conscience which is influenced from what we learn from our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, elders in the family and society at large. It is from these interactions that we learn to build our values of what is right and what is not.

When I was 10 or 11, I went with my friend to a small library situated near my house. It was built on donation of old books. It was open in the evenings for a few hours. Someone on honorary capacity came to open the library and then attend to his personal work if any in the bazaar where it was situated. There will not be many members as the stock was not replenished except for a few dailies and magazines. When my friend took me there were none in the library. The racks were all stacked with old books that were donated. My friend asked me to take any book that I wanted. I was attracted to a thick brown book with golden letters of Walter Scott’s poems. I took it. He said that we need not make any entry as we were not members and can return the book anytime if we wished to. The book was so old that pages crumbled if folded. When my dad saw that evening the book on my table, he was initially surprised at my choice and asked me who gave the book. When I told him it was from the nearby library, whose existence he was not aware of, he asked me whether I was a member and who issued the book. Under persistent questioning, I told him what had happened. He said I was a plain thief and that I should go and return the book the first thing next day and seek forgiveness from the librarian. He skipped his dinner that evening giving some excuse but I knew inwardly that it was a punishment he inflicted on himself for my wrong act. I returned the book at the library and it so happened that librarian was not present. But it was one hard lesson that I learnt that evening and the distress in my dad’s face is still fresh before me even after several decades. He didn’t speak to me for two days but relented only after much promises of proper behavior.

If the family or the society tolerates aberrations from ethical behavior, people tend to condone them or take a lighter view of the deviations. Manipulative accounting to save taxes both at individual and corporate levels is practiced without remorse though some of which is legal but unethical. I have heard from HR persons that most of the resumes are exaggerated documents on candidates’ skills or achievements bearing slender resemblance to reality Even in sports players take advantage of wrong rulings given by umpires though they knew they were at fault. Hardly a few cricketers choose to walk out without waiting for the umpires signal. The cloak of legality shrouds the unethical actions of the rulers in many of their transactions. We rationalize that what is legal is permissible though it is unethical. But inside everyman’s conscience, there is a compass showing what is right and what is not. The antenna inside our heart always warns us of the impropriety of our talk or actions but we choose to ignore for expedient reasons. It is here the underpinnings of family values that guide the children to be away from the wrong path. Conscience is man’s compass showing him the correct way and it is built at the homes in young ages

“Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good” It is a small voice that is too loud for our comfort and yet people choose to ignore it. That everybody does so is a lame excuse and never acceptable. Bending the rules or short circuiting procedures however tempting to achieve results cannot be condoned if they do not pass the ethical litmus test. History is replete with instances where wrong doers finally suffered ignominy and shame.

Empty vessels make much noise

I have always found during my official career that persons who speak softly commanded greater respect than the loud ones. Perhaps the soft manner gives an impression of wisdom, conviction and seriousness unless proved contrary by the words spoken. Even in discussions during meetings, people who normally speak softly raise their voices when an opposite view point is expressed as if loudness of tone would impart greater validity or strength to their views. This in turn is met with louder outbursts reducing the meeting often to Babel of voices. We are witness almost daily to such undesirable trait in the several panel discussions or debates taking place in TV. On the other hand if the voice is kept low and not loud, it will generally create a soothing and conducive climate with others also following suit. The discussions would then be meaningful and participative and everyone would turn to be attentive. If you watch TV carefully you will see really successful and great people speak slowly and softly carrying their points across effectively while loud people who rush their words exhibit lack of confidence.

Although one’s voice is determined at the time of birth, I think a soft voice can be developed with some effort and practice. A loud voice sticks out like a sore thumb in a crowd. Generally a loud voice is associated with boorish nature, anger, dissatisfaction or being upset or agitated. A loud man is some what akin to a bull in china shop. A streak of aggressive behavior, impatience or dominating nature is associated with such persons unless accompanied by a big twinkle in the eyes. This large smile does not come by easily to all. As a result their listeners tend to become wary or equally agitated and invariably defensive. They will not open up resulting in many contracts for selling or buying falling through not because the offers were unattractive but because the mode of speaking put off the parties.

When you overreact to a given situation, become emotional and tend to increase the volume of your speech unconsciously, it is better to imagine a person whom you hold in high esteem and whom you wish to impress is watching the proceedings. Just imagine your mentor is by your side or you are in a place where soft music is played or in a restaurant with candle lights. This will immediately tame your voice and change your perception of the matter being discussed. We have a desire to be seen as reasonable, fair and considerate. This exercise of imagining, someone whom we venerate is present in the place or being in a place like hospital or library where silence is desirable, would have a calming and restraining influence. This is akin to two young siblings always quarreling behaving well at the dining table in the presence of dad. Gradually speaking softly would become a second nature.

Count the blessings

When my friend told me that his doctor had proscribed salt and sugar for him due to his medical condition and that he was compelled to eat bland and tasteless food day in and day out, I felt inwardly grateful that I could have my food tastily with no such restrictions. When a close relative of mine is afflicted with Alzheimer and I found she can hardly converse meaningfully, I felt blessed that I can remember events and people. When I saw my neighbor walking with a walker even within the house, I thanked the Lord for the long walks that I have daily in the park watching the bright coloured flowers and happy children playing around. But I am grateful to Him only when I see such people struggling in their lives and that too for a while only. Otherwise I relapse into my habit of taking for granted the various small blessings without a thought they make much difference to the quality of my life.
It is a common failing in many of us that only when we hear bad news or see the sufferings that others undergo like the ones I detailed above that we realize that we took many things for granted. We do not give a second thought about the salt, sugar or water intake and assume they are insignificant till they become very important and hard to give up. Why not appreciate the many small things that we enjoy and be thankful to God even before we hear such bad news or ourselves compelled to forego when we fall sick. The ability to laugh, the beauty given to us, the wonderful family that we are born into, the good friends that we have got, the good health that we have and the nice job we have are all blessings that we should be constantly aware of, nurture them as gifts of God and be eternally grateful to Him in our prayers. We should learn to enjoy them even in their abundance till they are taken away if at all. Life is short with many surprises and imponderables. What is given today may not be there the next day. The awareness of impermanence of everything would bestow the right attitude to be thankful even for small things and appreciate them in full measure. Such an attitude if ingrained in us would make us live our lives humbly but with great joy in whatever position we are placed.